Beautiful
by raindrops and daffodils
Summary: Jane can't wait to get out of her house. Her Pop drinks and her Ma hovers, trying to set her up with every boy she sets her eye on. Jane doesn't like any of them. Can't like any of them. She's been hurt too many times. She doesn't know if she can love. University is freedom. On the first day she spots Maura. Maura is beautiful. Is Maura love? Trigger warning. Mentions self harm.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: Hello! This is my first time writing Rizzles, but I have been a long time (anonymous) lurker. This is slow burn, but I promise we'll get there eventually. I know this first chapter is a little short, but give me time to get into the story and they'll get longer, I promise :)**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but the storyline.**

**PS: Regular italics are emphasis, bold italics are Jane's thoughts.**

..

A deep breath. The air tastes like freedom; like new beginnings; like-

"Jane. _Jane!_"

Fingers snap in front of her face. She sighs. She's not quite free yet. As soon as she meets her mother's eyes her stomach twists. A boy has just lined up behind them.

"_Don't mess this up._" A stage whisper that's not a whisper. The boy glances at Jane curiously and Jane sighs again. She lets her eyes wander around hectic parking lot. There are new students and their parents everywhere. She is in a sea of people and suitcases. The sun is too hot and she is sweating. It smells like can hear her mother talking to the boy, quizzing him really.

"Isn't that nice, honey? Barry is a science student!"

"Uhm, no Mrs. Rizzoli, it's _computer_ science."

Angela the matchmaker. Always trying to make boys into eligible bachelors.

"That's great." She knows she sounds bored and feels a twinge of regret when the boy averts his eyes.

Her mother groans in annoyance and walks away from the line shaking her head, "Hopeless."

Jane watches her leave and then looks warily at the boy, Barry. She swallows. "I'm sorry about that. My Ma is a little… pushy."

The boy grins and she can't help smiling back. His eyes glitter and his smile is wide and innocent. Jane breathes. She hasn't messed up her first social encounter. _**Score**__._

"I'm Frost." A pause, "Barry is my first name, but I want to get as far away from that as I can."

"I know how you feel. I'm Jane Rizzoli."

As they gradually make their way towards the front of the line Jane finds herself enjoying Frost's company. She thinks maybe they might be friends. _**Friends**_. Just as the thought crosses her mind her mother returns with her father in tow. He's dragging her suitcase and has her backpack slung over his shoulder. She tenses.

They want to beat the traffic.

They have to get back before dark.

Tommy _sneezed _before they left.

_**Excuses. **_

She knows the truth. They can't wait to be rid of her.

She picks up the backpack and smiles tightly. Her Ma hugs her and blubbers a bit, but her father knows not to try. Soon they are gone, she watches their heads bob towards the car. They don't look back. She turns her head and neither does she.

Frost blinks but says nothing. Eventually Jane clears her throat. "So. computers, eh?"

He seems to hesitate at her nonchalance, but replies nonetheless "Yeah. I'm a bit of a nerd, but I want to work for the police someday. Track down the bad guys by their digital fingerprints."

Jane smiles, a real one this time. "I'm doing criminal justice. I'm going to be a cop."

There's that smile again.

_**Friends.**_

Just as her smile is growing, she sees Frost turn and smile in the other direction, greeting two women. One has the same eyes and smile as Frost, his mother, she presumes.

"Oh, Jane, these are my parents, Cam and Robin."

_**Parents**__._ Jane does a double take. _**He has two moms and he didn't even hesitate. He's… proud of them. Two moms. **_

She's still a little flustered when she introduces herself but the women smile just the same. The one who looks like Frost, Cam, speaks. "Hello Jane, it's lovely to meet you."

_**Wow. She sounds genuine. I hope she didn't notice me hesitate.**_

"Excuse me?" The voice sounds bored. "Hello? _Froshie!_" Now it's irritated.

_**Oh. He means me.**_

"Oh, uhm, sorry."

"Name please."

"Jane Rizzoli."

A key with a small plastic tag was shoved into her hand; _1706._

She waits a moment for Frost to receive his key and glances sideways at his tag. Before she can desipher the numbers there he punches her shoulder.

"1712! We're floormates!"

He seems excited, so Jane takes a jab, "Floormates? Did you make that up?"

To her delight he merely scowls lightheartedly. _**Friends.**_

"Hey, I'm going to go help my parents with my stuff. I'll see you soon, yeah?"

Jane smiled. "Yeah."

Soon she's left standing alone, staring up at the tall residential complex. She's never lived so high up. _**I bet the view is incredible.**_

The suitcase is a little clumsy, but once she elbows her way out of the crowd her way is clear. Except for one girl. She's sitting on the grass with a thick book in her hands and a pencil behind her ear. She's chewing her lip. _**She's beautiful. No. Stop it Rizzoli. **_She swallows. She can't help but stare just a little longer. The girl's face brightens and her lips quirk into an amused smile and Jane thinks she's been caught, but no. The girl underlines something in her book and keeps reading.

Her blood is pounding in her ears. _**Beautiful. **_This time she doesn't rebuke herself.

..

**Reviews are golden.**

**-R&amp;D**


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: **

**I AM SO SORRY. I wrote this chapter and then neglected to save it properly and then midterms kicked my ass (except maybe I kicked theirs… hopefully). Despite the unforgivably long time between updates I so so **_**so **_**appreciated every review, favourite, and follow. I love you all. 3. **

**PS: Though this story takes place at the fictional BCU, the campus will be loosely based on the University of Ottawa (where I am a student). Also, Jane's family does not live in Boston, they are from Plymouth. **

**Warning. Some vulgarities. I feel like Jane wouldn't be Jane without being vulgar.**

******Trigger Warning***** Very light mentions of self harm. This chapter is definitely not graphic, but I am not sure if future chapters will be. It depends if I am strong enough to write them. **

**Disclaimer. Oh how I wish I owned these characters. Alas I do not. The story, however, is mine.**

Insomnia. Jane sighed heavily. It was five in the morning. She had slept what, four hours?

_**What did you expect? To be all better your first night away from home? Don't be so stupid. **_

Another sigh. Heavy and dragged from the very depths of her exhaustion. Jane sat up in the dark and reached for her desk lamp. A click and then her closet like dorm room was dimly illuminated; a narrow bed, a wardrobe with doors that squeaked, and a boxy, albeit sturdy, desk. Her sheets were worn thin, taken from the back of a closet in her family home. She would need to buy a heavier blanket for the winter months. Despite the plainness of her room, despite the shabbiness of some of her possessions, Jane Rizzoli had never been more proud. This was _hers_.

_**I earned this. I **__**earned**__** this.**_

Jane sat up further in bed and leaned her back against the cool concrete wall, closed her eyes, and remembered. As she'd waited in line for the elevator that morning she couldn't help but realize she was the only student without a parent by her side. The only student with less than two suitcases. She'd wondered if she belonged here. Really. Then, and this was something she was not proud of, she had imagined that her nonna was by her side. Fussing with the broken zipper on her backpack and shooting her reassuring smiles.

_**Oh Nonna. **_

Jane had no doubt that could her nonna have been there, she would have. She was, after all, Jane's biggest supporter. She had matched every summer paycheck, dollar for dollar. She had worked hard to get Jane the funds to go to this school. And then, when she had died, she left Jane every penny she had. _For your future, _she had said, _I believe in you. _

_**God, Nonna. I miss you.**_

_**Stop it Rizzoli. No tears.**_

_**Fuck.**_

She missed the safety of her nonna; the unquestioning love and support she provided; the _consistency_ of that love and support. She missed summers at her nonna's place on the outskirts of Boston, working at a convenience store and coming home to a smile and dinner. Coming home to warm encouragement and music. She missed the yellowing keys of her nonna's piano and the familiar sound of sheets turning in that old music book. She missed the feeling of those keys and those sheets on her fingers.

Jane wiped furiously at her tears. This was supposed to be her fresh start. No more crying. She glanced with a mixture of longing and fear at her wardrobe, where she knew her knife was hidden in the deep pockets of her winter jacket.

_**NO.**_

_**No Rizzoli.**_

_**Not here, not now. New beginning remember?**_

Jane swallowed thickly and grabbed her sweatshirt and room keys.

_**Air. I need air. **_

The sun was rising when she stepped out into the chilly September morning. She swung a right outside the residence complex and headed into University Square. The lot was littered with neon flyers declaring this year's frosh week to be _The Best One Yet!_ Jane snorted. The library was on her right, tall and full of knowledge. It made her nervous.

_**Goddamnit Rizzoli. Give it up. Classes haven't even started yet.**_

She hunched her shoulders and pulled her hands into the sleeves of her gray sweatshirt. She passed the library and came to the Lawn. There were tents set up in a large square. Some sort of event for later in the day, she guessed. She wandered through until she got to the forest on the other edge of the Lawn. She could see trails wind their way into the trees, she knew from her map that there was a river on the other side and started mentally calculating how long it would take to get there before she saw movement to her left. Jane turned quickly and froze. It was the girl. _The _girl. The one she'd seen the previous morning. She was sat on a stump, reading again. Jane swallowed.

_**Leave it. Go back. **_

She screwed up her face.

_**What's wrong with you Rizzoli? She's just some girl. **_

As Jane stood there, conflicted, the girl looked up. She nearly fell off of her improvised seat. Jane rushed forward.

"I-I'm sorry. Did I scare you? I didn't mean to. I wasn't... um… spying or anything. I was just… out for a walk. You know? There are, um, trails and stuff…"

The girl stood up, still blinking in surprise. Her eyes were golden. Blue and green and brown and gold. All at once.

_**Beautiful.**_

_**Fuck Rizzoli. Get it together.**_

"Oh. You did startle me, but I'm alright." The girl was smiling nervously. "I didn't expect to see anyone out here, it's rather early."

"Right. Yeah. I, uh…" Jane blinked stupidly, fidgeting with the sleeves of her sweater. The girl looked at her with an unreadable expression. Jane swallowed again, suddenly aware that she hadn't even brushed her hair before leaving her room. The girl looked incredible. Honey blonde hair with not a strand out of place. A pale blue blouse with a brown jacket. She looked so put together.

_**Out of my league. **_

_**What's that supposed to mean?**_

The girl looked like she was about to speak when rushed words fell out of Jane's mouth; "Ishouldgo." The girl nodded, a new look on her face. Was she… disappointed? Jane cleared her throat. Nodded resolutely. "I should go. Um, enjoy your book."

She turned away from the girl before she could change her mind and walked quickly back to the residence complex cursing herself every step of the way.

_**What the hell just happened? **_

**This chapter was a little longer! I hope you all like it. This is the first time I have posted my writing anywhere, so… reviews are beautiful things :)**

**Though the general plot/ procession of events has been decided (because it's based on my own reality), I am open to suggestions and positive criticism! **

**I promise I won't always be this long between updates.**

**Love,**

**R&amp;D.**


	3. Chapter 3

**AN:**

**Hello lovelies! I've met my goal of getting a new chapter up within a week, and it turns out I _did_ kick my exams' asses!**

**To the reviewer who asked about self harm, the trigger was mostly for upcoming chapters, though I did make reference when I wrote about Jane looking with a mixture of longing and fear to where her knife was hidden. It will get more explicit than that in chapters to come.**

**I love and appreciate every review, follow, and favourite... but does anyone know how I can directly reply to reviews?**

**Thanks again!**

**I hope you like it:)**

**...**

It's been five hours, and still Jane cannot stop thinking about the girl.

_**This is ridiculous. What's wrong with you?**_

She has finished unpacking and is sitting, restless, in her desk chair.

_**Those eyes though…**_

_**Stop it. Shut up.**_

She needs to distract herself. She knows that the rest of the freshmen are fully engaged in Frosh Week activities but she hadn't had the heart (or the budget) to spend so much money on such a frivolous event. She doesn't _need_ to go to all those parties. She definitely doesn't want to get caught drinking underage and put a blemish on her otherwise clean record (an accomplishment for someone from her neighbourhood). She starts chewing on her thumbnail and risks a glance out the window. She's impossibly high up and can see the entire campus. Squat liberal arts buildings, shiny science complexes, the vast Lawn full of freshers, and beyond that the forest and river.

_**I wonder if the girl is still there.**_

_**Goddamnit Rizzoli.**_

Jane is interrupted from her thoughts with a knock at the door. "Yo Rizzoli! Open up!"

Frost.

_**He probably wants me to go to the events. What'll he do when I say I can't?**_

Shoulders squared, Jane pulls the door open.

Frost grins in greeting, "Finally. What took you so damn long?"

"Oh shut it."

"So. Going to the barbeque?"

"Didn't know there was one." Frost glances down at her conspicuously bare wrists, unadorned with a fluorescent frosh week bracelet.

"Oh c'mon, you're not doing Frosh?"

Jane shrugs, "Not my thing."

"_Fun_ isn't your thing?"

She shoots him a glare and he raises his hands in surrender. "Either way, the barbeque is for all first years, whether you've bought a frosh kit or not. So are you coming?"

Jane sighs. She had promised herself not to spend money on frivolous things. She bought a meal plan. She can't just buy extra food whenever she wants to.

"Come _on_ Rizzoli. How can you say no to free food!?"

"It's free?" She asked in surprise before promptly clamping her mouth shut. She didn't want anyone's pity.

Frost didn't react though, not the way she expected him to. "Well _duh_, come _on._"

He grabbed her elbow and dragged Jane out of the room.

...

Despite her initial misgivings, Jane ended up enjoying the barbeque. No one commented on her bracelet-less wrists and for two hours she joked with Frost and found out that he was in her criminology class. Too soon though, buses arrived to transport those with bracelets to a nearby lake for an activity camp. Frost, noting her discomfort, offered to stay behind with her, but Jane vehemently refused, leaving him to enjoy the day he had paid for.

Once the majority of freshmen headed for the buses she found her glance drawn to the forest edge where she had seen the girl earlier that day. She had been pointedly ignoring it for the duration of her time with Frost but could not help herself now that he was gone. To her dismay (or relief?) she could see no one at its edge.

Jane turned resolutely back to the residence complex.

It wasn't until she reached the 17th floor that she realized she didn't have her room key. Frost had dragged her out of the room before she'd had a chance to grab it. Chewing her lip she approached her door slowly. Hoping against hope for some miracle. She knew the doors locked automatically.

_**But maybe they malfunction sometimes?**_

Jane put her hand on the doorknob but it didn't turn.

_**Damnit.**_

She huffed in frustration and tried again, this time kicking the door angrily, stubbing her toe in the process. She hopped awkwardly and grabbed her foot, nearly falling down in the process.

_**Damn**__**it.**_

"I don't think that kicking the door will improve the situation."

Jane whirled around and saw that _she_ had approached.

_**Oh God. Did she really see that?**_

It was the girl.

"I locked myself out."

"Yes, I can see that. Is your foot alright?"

Her voice was soft and her eyes concerned.

_**Oh sweet Jesus.**_

For a moment Jane blanked, but then slowly put her foot back on the floor and straightened up. "Oh, um, yeah. It's fine."

"Good."

Jane could see the girl swallow and glance around. She seemed uncomfortable. Jane hadn't replied yet.

"Sorry I bothered you."

_**Oh.**_

"No! I mean, no. No. You didn't bother me. Do you, um, know how I can get my door unlocked?"

The girl smiled, "Oh, yes! It was in the welcome package. There is a master key at the front desk. In the event of locking your key inside your room you must go and request entry. The first time it is free, but if it happens again there is a fee of 25.00"

"What'd you do, memorize it?"

The girl's face fell. "I... I have a rather good memory."

_**Shit. I'm messing this up so bad.**_

Jane swallowed, considering. "You're lucky. I wish my memory was that good."

The girl looked up again, a hesitant smile forming on her face.

"I'm Jane, by the way."

Yes, that was definitely a smile now.

"I'm Maura, Maura Isles."

_**Maura.**_

"I should go get my door unlocked..." Jane trailed off. Unwilling to end her conversation with the girl. _Maura_.

"Yes, of course. I was just about to go downstairs myself. Would you like to take the elevator together?" Maura's voice had a twinge of nervous hope that Jane, quite frankly, found adorable.

_**Wait. What?**_

Ignoring that thought for the moment, she simply grinned and gestured elaborately toward the elevators.

_**Score. Another smile.**_

Once inside the elevator though, Jane's mind went blank. The silence was very nearly awkward until Maura broke it, "What are you studying?"

"I'm about to start my bachelor in Criminal Justice."

"Oh! You're a first year?"

_**Uh oh. **_

"Er, yeah, yeah I am. I took two years off though, to, uh, work."

"That explains it then. I was quite certain you were older. I'm in my fourth year of pre-med."

Jane swallowed again.

_**Well that's not intimidating at all.**_

Unable to think of anything else to say, she just asked stupidly, "So you're, um, going to be a doctor?"

At this moment, the elevator reached the first floor of the residence complex and they stepped out together.

"Actually, I have been taking several electives in forensic pathology. I feel far more comfortable with cadavers than I do with live patients, so I intend to be a medical examiner."

_**Even more intimidating. **_

"That's really cool."

"Do you think so? Many people find it quite strange."

"Nah, I think it's great."

They were standing awkwardly in the lobby of the complex. Jane didn't want to say good bye, but she also wanted to be alone so she could figure out why her heart was racing. Finally deciding she jerked her thumb towards the desk, "I should get them to unlock my door."

"Yes, of course," Maura smiled, "It was lovely to meet you Jane."

Something funky was going on in Jane's stomach, and her heart leapt upon hearing Maura say her name.

_**What the hell is wrong with you?**_

"It was good to meet you too."

...

Back up in her room Jane flopped on her bed.

_**What the **__**fuck**__** just happened Rizzoli?**_

_**...**_

**Yay! A longer chapter!  
**

**If you have any suggestions, requests, or commnets please review :)**

**Thanks for reading!**

**R&amp;D.**


	4. Chapter 4

I know, I know. A month! I'm so, _so_ sorry. Life and school reared their ugly heads at me. Any of you in university should understand. But I'm back! I _should_ be studying right now but, hey. I've neglected you all far too long!

Trigger: references to self-harm

Disclaimer: these lovely characters are not mine

…

_Pictures, voices. Floating in, floating out. Colours. Words._

_Faggot._

_Broken._

_Crazy._

_Dyke._

_Stupid._

_Useless._

_Selfish._

_Queer._

_Hopeless._

…

Jane woke in a cold sweat. _**God**__**damn**__**it.**_

She wiped furiously at the tears on her face and sat up in her narrow dorm bed. Her sheets were damp, twisted around her body. She sat, waiting for her eyes to adjust to the darkness. Her alarm clock flashed 2:37, and by its red light and the small sliver wriggling its way under her door, she swung her legs over the side of the bed and stood on unsteady feet.

Four steps.

A creak as she opened the wardrobe.

Move past cotton and wool until _there_. Her winter jacket.

Inside pocket.

The too-familiar smoothness of her switchblade.

Jane stood in sock feet with her hand in the wardrobe, wrapped around her knife. Willing herself to leave it there, to be stronger, better.

_**I can't. This is all I know. This is the way it has to be. **_

_**Faggot. Broken. Crazy. Dyke. Stupid. Useless. Selfish. Queer. Hopeless.**_

_**I'm not.**_

_**Yes. Yes, you are.**_

She clenched her fist around the switchblade and pulled back. Pain, release, hurt, and comfort in tow.

…

The sun broke through the tiny window and Jane groaned. She opened her eyes, but they felt like they were full of sand. She blinked, once, twice.

And then she remembered.

_**Fuck.**_

She dragged herself into a sitting position and cautiously flipped over her arm.

_**Fuck.**_

Four angry red slices surrounded by rusty brown smears. They had bled throughout the night.

_**Why do you do this to yourself? You're the reason you're so goddamn broken. Fuck you Rizzoli. Fuck you.**_

Just then there was a knock on the door.

_**Shit.**_

"Who is it?"

"Open up, Rizzoli!"

Frost. Jane leapt out of bed, kicked her blade under the desk and shoved her arms through yesterday's sweatshirt.

By the time she hauled the door open she was out of breath, though from exertion or stress she wasn't sure.

"Woah, hey, are you okay?" Frost looked concerned. _**Uh-oh**_.

"Um, yeah. Why?"

"You're bleeding."

Jane swung around and looked at the mirror on the door of her wardrobe. _**Fuck!**_There was a smear of blood across her forehead. She must have done it in her sleep.

"Oh… _that_. I, uh, I'm a klutz. Tripped and cut my knee last night before bed, must've done that pushing my hair out of the way or something. No big deal."

Frost snorted. Jane relaxed.

"So. Want to wash off the blood and come to the café for breakfast?"

"Yeah, okay. Gimme a sec."

Jane closed the door, with Frost promising to wait in the hall and slumped against the wall.

_**That was close. You're such an idiot**_.

She shook the thoughts out of her head, shoved on a pair of jeans, and grabbed a washcloth. The bathrooms were down the hall.

…

The cafeteria was buzzing. Students everywhere with plastic trays heaped high with bacon, eggs, toast, and, sometimes, fruit. Frost slung his jacket over a table to reserve it and they separated; Frost towards the bacon and Jane towards the pancakes. It wasn't until she was in the line that she realized. She hadn't had pancakes since her last summer at her nonna's. She hadn't wanted them. Pancakes were her nonna's Saturday signature. Pancakes, sausages and coffee. And a smile. Always a smile. Jane never cut at her nonna's.

"Hey kid."

Jane jerked her head up. The woman behind the counter held out a plate; three pancakes instead of two. A wink and a smile. "Keep your head up kid."

Jane swallowed. Nodded. Took the plate.

If only it was that easy.

…

After breakfast, Frost headed to the Lawn for a frosh activity and Jane found herself wandering through the academic buildings. Swirling staircases and strangely shaped ceilings for engineering, shiny stainless steel and pristine white walls for science, towering green wall for environmental studies, and… what was this?

The walls were all curves and no edges. Soft grey. Purple curtains on the windows. The doors were thick, windowless wood. Jane meandered through two such hallways before she came to a set of ornate double doors. Before long, curiosity got the better of her and she slowly pushed them open.

Oh.

_Oh._

It was an auditorium full of plush red seats and there, at the front of the room, was a sleek black Steinway. With tunnel vision Jane padded towards the piano. She'd never played a Steinway.

Seven steps up to the stage and she was there. She sat on the bench and let her fingers ghost over the keys. Making no conscious decision to do so she felt her fingers flow over the keys and closed her eyes as the sound of _Fa la Ninna fa la Nanna _washed over her.

As she played the last notes of the lullaby she sighed. And then—

"You're very good."

Jane nearly fell off the piano bench as she whirled around. Maura was sitting in the middle of the auditorium; book in hand, a cautious smile on her face as she stood up and began moving towards the stage.

"I-I didn't hear you come in."

Maura wrinkled her brow, confused. "I was here before you, Jane. Didn't you see me?"

"Oh.. I must not have. I was, uh, distracted I guess." She patted the Steinway stupidly.

Maura was nearly there now, climbing those seven steps.

"You played Brahm's Lullaby."

"Actually, it was an old Italian lullaby. It's the same music as Brahm's, but different lyrics. My Nonna used to sing it to me."

_**Woah. Oversharing much?**_

Maura didn't seem to mind though. "It was very beautiful. I used to play violin when I was young, and it still calms me to be in an auditorium such as this one."

"Studying again?" Jane jerked her head to the book in Maura's hand. It was thick, at least four hundred pages.

Maura smiled, "No actually, I'm just doing a bit of light reading before the semester begins. This is _Forensic Histopathology_ by Reinhard Dettemeyer. It's really very lovely. I'm learning quite a lot about how microscopy can help one clarify the cause of sudden or unexpected death!"

Maura's cheeks were tinged pink with excitement and her eyes were bright. _**So adorable.**_

_**Stop it.**_

_**But she is.**_

_**Not to you.**_

_**Why not?**_

_**Because.**_

_**But—**_

_**Stop.**_

As Jane went through her internal conflict, Maura continued gushing about antibodies and stainings. Eventually Maura stammered to an end as she realized that she had been quoting Dettemeyer for the past seven and a half minutes.

Before Jane noticed that she had stopped talking, she noticed that the blush had changed and her eyes were downcast instead of shining with enthusiasm.

"I'm sorry Jane. I find this all very fascinating, but I'm sure you're rather bored with it…"

"No! Of course not. I mean.. it's a little intense. And I don't know what it means. But you looked like you were having fun talking about Dettimerer and his… forensic stuff."

"It's Dettem_ey_er Jane," Maura laughed. "And yes, I do quite enjoy sharing the information that I learn. Many people get rather annoyed with it though. I could leave you to continue playing if you wish?"

"No, I mean, you… you don't have to. Maybe we could, I don't know, get a coffee or something. You can tell me more about Dette_mey_er."

Maura looked thrilled and Jane, well Jane just pointedly ignored the tumultuous _something_ that was happening in her stomach, told her brain to shut up and smiled.

Coffee with Maura.

Why was that so exciting?

…

**AN: **_**"Why do you do this to yourself? You're the reason you're so goddamn broken. Fuck you Rizzoli. Fuck you."**_

**She's wrong. Any of you out there who harm yourselves, she's wrong. You'll see that in later chapters. I've been where you are. It's not your fault. You're not broken. You're just you, and someday you'll find a way to either accept your feelings or express them in healthier ways. **

**We don't know each other. I don't know your story and you don't know mine. But I'm here if you need someone.**

**With love,**

**R&amp;D**


	5. Chapter 5

**AN:**

***Peeks head out***

***Waves nervously***

**Well hello there, readers. It's been... a while. I'm sorry. I have not forgotten about you or this story, but life kind of got in the way, as I am sure many of you understand. **

**I don't know if any of you are still interested, but I've got a peace offering for you... this chapter! If you still want me to continue this story, please review and let me know and I'll keep going. The updates will be a lot quicker, I promise.**

Coffee with Maura.

Why was that so exciting?

"So, Maura, you're the expert on this one," Jane began as she held the door for Maura and they walked into the late afternoon together. "Where's the best spot to get coffee in this place?"

"Oh, Jane, no; I'm not an expert!" Maura stopped short and turned to look earnestly at Jane, "An expert is someone with a vast catalogue of experience and extensive knowledge about a particular subject, called so only after rigorous peer review. In order for someone to be classified as an expert it takes—"

Jane chuckled good naturedly and held up a hand to stop Maura's panicked ramblings. "Hey Smartypants," She said, "Don't worry. It's a figure of speech. I meant that since you have been at this school for three years longer than me, it would make sense for you to know where we should go to get coffee." Jane began walking again, down the path towards University Square

"Oh," Maura blinked. Pink tinged her cheeks. Looking at it, Jane found that that might just be her new favourite colour.

_**What? Pink?**_

_**Don't be ridiculous.**_

"Jane?"

Jane blinked in confusion and looked up to meet Maura's eyes; green today, with brown flecks. Scratch that last bit—_that_ was her favourite colour.

_**What the fuck?**_

_**Wait, shit, she's saying something.**_

"Sorry Maura, what was that?" Jane swallowed, hoping Maura wouldn't ask by what it was that she had been distracted.

"I was saying that I do not frequent cafés, as I spend most of my time on campus in the library. I lived off campus for the last three years, and made my own coffee in my apartment."

"Oh, well… why did you move into residence this year? Isn't it mostly first years?"

"No, the 18th and 19th floors of our residence complex are reserved for mature and graduate students. In fact, the lay out is entirely different. We have apartments as opposed to dorm rooms, so it is entirely likely that I will continue to prepare my own coffee, despite the proximity of cafés and other establishments."

Something weird was happening in Jane's stomach again, but it was decidedly less pleasant than when Maura had agreed to get coffee with her. Was it… disappointment? She cleared her throat.

"Well, you know, you don't have to come out with me if you don't want to."

Maura stopped short again, staring at Jane with wide eyes, "No! That isn't what I meant to convey, Jane. I am very pleased to be having coffee with you."

Jane released a breath that she had not even realized she was holding. "Good. Perfect. Okay. So. Where are we going?"

Jane had been leading them towards the centre of campus, but now that they had reached the South edge of the Square, she didn't know where to go.

Maura bit her lip, "I really don't think I know enough about the cafés on campus to properly recommend a particular establishment, Jane."

Jane couldn't help but smile at the seriousness of Maura's concern as she scanned the buildings on the edges of the Square. "Don't worry about it Maur, we'll figure something out." The nickname slipped out before Jane even realized what she was saying and her eyes darted back to meet Maura's, worried that she would disapprove. On the contrary, Maura looked thrilled. Jane smiled and looked away again, trying to quell the storm of _something_ in her stomach.

Just as she was about to give up she saw and swinging wooden sign on the side of an academic building on the East side of the Square. "What's that?" She asked, nodding towards the sign, "The Dirty Robber; sounds… interesting."

Maura looked a little hesitant as she replied that it was a bar and grill that did indeed serve coffee.

Noting Maura's discomfort, Jane shrugged her shoulders and said: "We don't have to go there if you don't want to, you know."

Just as Maura opened her mouth to answer Jane heard the ringing of a cell phone and noted the brief flash of disappointment that crossed Maura's face. Maura bit her lip and looked up at Jane remorsefully, "I'm sorry," she sighed. More than a little confused at Maura's reaction Jane shrugged and waved her hands, gesturing for Maura to answer.

Maura retrieved her phone from her purse and, without looking at the caller ID, brought it to her ear, "Hello?"

Jane was standing close enough to hear the voice on the other end of the call, a very suave, very male voice. "Hey, babe."

For a moment her heart stopped and Jane was awash with an unfamiliar emotion. She quickly and pointedly replaced it with annoyance. She could practically _hear_ the guy's self satisfied smirk.

_**Ugh.**_

Jane bit her lip and tried to shove the thoughts from her mind, this feeling didn't make sense either.

_**Yeah. Why do you even care, Rizzoli?**_

Jane blinked and tried to refocus on the girl in front of her. Maura was still standing in there with her phone up to her ear, presumably talking to her... her _boyfriend._

_**Of course she has a boyfriend. She's smart, sophisticated. **_

_**Beautiful.**_

_**Why does it even matter? Why do you even care?**_

Jane adamantly ignored the hot coils of... _something _in her stomach. Was she getting sick or something?

She was suddenly brought back to the present by Maura slowly lowering her phone and clearing her throat. "That was Garrett," Maura said quietly, her voice conspicuously absent of the kind of excitement that had saturated it previously. "He's my—we were seeing each other last year, and he's just returned to town. We're to have lunch together. I'm terribly sorry Jane, could we have coffee another time? I agreed to meet him without knowing when he would get here," Maura shook her head regretfully, "I don't... well, I wouldn't usually... have other plans, you see."

"Hey, no need to explain," Jane replied barrenly. Maura's eyebrows seemed to wrinkle in concern at her tone, but Jane barreled on, "I get it. Just, uh, call me if you want to get coffee some other time."

"Jane—" Maura began, but Jane began to back away, shaking her head.

"You should go." She stumbled only slightly as she turned away, leaving Maura standing alone in the path, book in one hand and cell phone in the other, a rueful frown on her face.

It wasn't until Jane had reached her room again that she realized that Maura _couldn't _call her; they hadn't exchanged numbers. With a groan, Jane flopped onto her narrow bed, buried her head in her pillow, and tried very hard not to think about what had just happened.

Tried very hard not to think about the tangle in her stomach.

The tangle that she suspected—feared—might be...jealousy.

_**What the fuck, Rizzoli?**_

**So. That's that. Please review if you want more.**

**(Also don't worry. Garrett is very, very temporary.)**

**Lots of love,**

**R&amp;D.**


	6. Chapter 6

I could never join the circus, because I'm a terrible juggler. I have so many things going on in my life and I just can't keep all the balls in the air—I'm sorry this is the ball I keep dropping. I don't know how many of you are still interested, but I'm going to keep writing, no matter how many times I drop the ball.

..

It had been three days since the failed coffee outing with Maura, and Jane had tried very hard to put the entire incident out of her mind; tried very hard to forget the brilliant, awkward, endearing girl; tried very hard to forget the onslaught of feelings that came with the girl; and tried very, very hard to forget Garrett. The boyfriend. Who was probably revoltingly handsome and intelligent.

No matter how hard she tried to forget, Jane's heart raced every time she walked into the lobby of their shared residence building, every time the elevator door dinged open, every time her eyes fell upon honey blonde hair. Her heart raced, and upon every realization that Maura was not in the lobby, or the elevator, or in line for waffles, her heart dropped. She was disappointed. Somehow, she missed this girl...

_**Don't be ridiculous. You don't even know her.**_

_**Besides.**_

_**She has a boyfriend.**_

_**Which is irrelevant anyway; what the fuck do you care?**_

For the third night in a row, Jane lay awake, her mind racing in circles. Every time she closed her eyes she saw those pink cheeks; those incredible eyes, full of colour, curiosity, life.

_**Stop it. They're just eyes. She's just a girl.**_

_**A girl.**_

_**With a boyfriend.**_

_**And you don't care.**_

With a sigh, Jane sat up in bed. It was just after five a.m. but she doubted she would be getting any more sleep, so she untangled her long legs from the sheets, shoved her feet into her favourite worn canvas shoes, and grabbed her keys and sweatshirt on her way out of the room.

The outside air was crisp, and the sky was a pale gray, growing steadily brighter by the minute. Absentmindedly, Jane wandered across the Lawn towards the forest, her feet automatically seeking out the trailhead where she had first interacted with Maura. She had not allowed herself to return to this place, but suddenly found herself there regardless. With a pang of disappointment she realized that Maura's rock was empty. Jane sighed and turned back towards the residence building, but at the very last moment veered right and headed in the opposite direction.

Within minutes she stood outside the ornate double doors, and with only a glance thrown over her shoulder she knelt and began to pick the lock with the keychain ring she had straightened on the way from the forest. If anyone questioned her she would simply say that the door had been unlocked and, as a first year, she had been unaware that the room was off limits after hours. It wasn't that strange for someone to play piano before 6:00 am, was it?

Jane scoffed at her own ridiculousness, but smiled all the same when the doors fell open and her eye caught the shine of the Steinbeck. Deciding not to turn on any artificial lights, Jane made her way forward by the dim light of dawn filtering through the high windows of the auditorium, pleased with the way they bounced off the sleek lid of the piano.

Within seconds of placing her fingers on the keys Jane felt more at peace than she had in days. Somehow, the music carried with it the calm she had felt with her nonna near by. Once again without making and decisions, Jane began to play. Stumbling only slightly over some of the more difficult sections, Jane allowed Chopin's _allegro de concert_ to flow from her fingertips.

When she had finished, Jane say back with a sigh. In a strange repeat of the last time she had seen Maura, Jane was pulled from her reverie by a voice.

"You really do play beautifully, Jane."

Maura must have entered while Jane was playing, and was now standing in a dusty beam of light near the stage.

Jane swivelled around in her seat to look at the girl in surprise; she was unable to say anything but "Maura."

Maura offered a nervous sort of smile, before asking cautiously if it was alright for her to join Jane on the stage. Jane nodded somewhat stiffly, entirely unprepared to deal with the onslaught of strange emotions she had come to associate with this strange, beautiful girl.

Maura seated herself daintily next to Jane on the piano bench and placed her hands on the keys. Enraptured by Maura' fingers dancing across the keys with both speed and precision, it took Jane a moment to recognise that she was playing an old Italian lullaby.

As Maura completed the first verse, Jane felt her turn her head, and after only a brief moment of hesitation, raised her face to meet Maura's eyes. Though she did not speak, Jane understood and placed her hands alongside Maura's on the keyboard and together they played the remainder of the lullaby, with synchronicity of movements that shocked and pleased Jane, and let loose an entirely new set of indecipherable feelings in her gut.

...

**Note: **Reunited at last!

Please Review :)

With love,

R&amp;D


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